Dear America, thank you for sharing your country with me for 17 days. It was a very interesting and often enjoyable experience. But I have some questions…

1. Why are your toilets so full? It’s not supposed to be a literal tinkle.

2. Why are your toilets’ drainage pipes so small? Is it it related to the fullness issue? A child’s poop should not be able to cause a blockage.

3. Why does most of your food taste pale? By the same token, why do most of your non-bottled sodas taste chlorinated?

4. What the sweet Lily-Jane is with all the Cool Whip, and why do you call it “whipped cream”? Do you not know what cream is, or how to whip it?

5. Why can you not make coffees? A cafe mocha is not a hot chocolate. Did you know that if you’re in doubt, you can actually google it? The only place I was served an actual cafe mocha when I ordered one was in a genuine Italian restaurant. I’m sure they’d be willing to teach the rest of you.

6. How does everyone afford to drive late-model cars? Is this to do with the national debt crisis I keep hearing about?

7. Why did all the most hard-working people I met not have American accents?

8. Why can’t you just pay your waitresses and taxi drivers 20% more and add it to our bill automatically? You know that men will always tip attractive waitresses more, right? How is that an equitable wage system?

9. By the same token, why can’t you just show prices with tax included? That way I could know how much things will actually cost, so I can have the money ready when it’s my turn to pay.

10. Can you teach our drivers about stopping for pedestrians?

11. Can we have your Latino taxi drivers? You can have our Indian ones in exchange. They are mostly only speak in short grunts, but it’s not fair that you hog all the helpful and friendly taxis.

12. Are red lights really like stop signs, so you can go through them if no one is coming? It makes good sense to me, but I have my doubts.

13. Can you get Chick-fil-A to deliver to New Zealand? We’d also like Häagen-Dasz.

14. Why are you still using the Imperial System? It is very silly.

15. Did you know that plastic bank notes can’t be torn or folded? You should look into it.

Update: Steve Hays helpfully explains the answers to some of these questions at Triablogue →

 4 comments

Greg Schnee

‘Merica.

Jacek

Brilliant. I was smiling to the screen when I was reading that :)

BAshwell

Whereabouts were you? It’s such a vast and different place and it depends where you went.

Dominic Bnonn Tennant

Los Angeles and San Diego.